The Poetry Place

Snow Dance 10

Wednesday, 16 February 2011 8:48:14

Wednesday, 16 February 2011 8:48:14
Tabla’s syllables ripple, tumble patter
Making complex patterns, fingers flutter
Counter-pointing voice sounds, whistles, mutters.
Costumed in white punk pyjamas, tatters,
Dancers glide turn bend stretch. Stop. Glide again,
Arms in perfect poise - then cut-cut-cut the air:
Triangles of hips, hands, chest. Eyes stare,
Hold, transfix, flash – go. Impressions remain.
    Cold white drive home: quietly and slowly
Tyres slide, move, crunch, squelch. Flakes flutter. We creep
Along dual carriageways as snow sweeps
Across bridge towers, eerie in the shifting sky; so
Mesmerising too, this movement, moving to
A rhythm of its own – both old and new.

Quite a few changes before I was satisfied.
In the end, entertain was scrubbed. Impressions remain replaced it because I wanted to emphasise the way the dance really imprinted itself on our minds - and was still there as we crossed the bridge.  Amber / go has also gone.  probably this will be the final version - for the moment.


Snow Dance 9

Wednesday, 9 February 2011 17:23:09

Wednesday, 9 February 2011 17:23:09
Just fine-tuning now...

Tabla’s syllables ripple, tumble patter
Making complex patterns, fingers flutter
Counter-pointing voice sounds, whistles, mutters.
Costumed in white punk pyjamas, tatters,
Dancers glide turn bend stretch. Stop. Glide again,
Arms in perfect poise - then cut-cut-cut the air:
Triangles of hips, hands, chest. Eyes stare,
Hold, transfix, flash – go. Inspire. Entertain.

Slow white drive home lights on amber / go
Tyres slide move crunch squelch. We creep
Along dual carriageway as snow sweeps
Across bridge towers, eerie in the shifting sky. So    
Mesmerising too this movement, moving to
A rhythm of its own both old and new.



Snow Dance 8

Monday, 7 February 2011 14:24:03

Monday, 7 February 2011 14:24:03
Switching about a bit, I arrived here:

Slow white drive home lights on amber, go
tyres Slide move crunch squelch We creep
Along dual carriageway as snow sweeps
Across Bridge towers, eerie in the shifting sky. So    
mesmerising too this movement, moving to
a rhythm of its own both old and new.

And the octet is now shaping up:

Tabla’s syllables ripple, tumble patter
Making complex patterns, fingers flutter
Counter-pointing voice sounds, whistles, mutters.
Costumed in white punk pyjamas, tatters,

Dancers glide turn bend stretch. Stop. Glide again,
Arms in perfect poise - then cut-cut-cut the air:
Triangles of hips, hands, chest. Eyes stare,
Hold, transfix, flash – go.  Inspire. Entertain.

I wasn't sure about 'entertain' and tried lots of other verbs but in the end, that's what happened. They did, also, entertain.


Snow Dance 7

Monday, 31 January 2011 9:11:15

Monday, 31 January 2011 9:11:15
But it's moving towards five lines instead of six.  Unheard of!  Well, I'm quite content to break the rule if it works better, but theres a way to go yet.

Slow snow drive home lights flash red amber go
Along dual carriageway as snow flutters, patters down. Sweeps
Bridge towers eerie in the shifting sky    
tyres Slide move crunch snow squelch We creep
Bridge toll taken  we roll on.  Is mesmerising too.

Some rearrangement of lines would work, I think

Slow white drive home lights on amber, go
tyres Slide move crunch squelch We creep
Along dual carriageway as snow sweeps
Across Bridge towers, eerie in the shifting sky. So   
mesmerising too this movement....

...leading to the final two lines.


Snow Dance 6

Tuesday, 25 January 2011 16:49:08

Tuesday, 25 January 2011 16:49:08
Looking at the sestet I see I have an unforced rhyme with sweeps and creep - I only have to move creep to the end of the line. There's also snow and go.

I felt that the connection between the two parts of the poem was in the mesmerising quality of the dance and of the snow, hence the last three words - which only have to be connected to something now...

Driving home the lights red amber go along Clive Sullivan Way
Along the dual carriageway as snow flutters, patters down. Sweeps
Bridge towers eerie in the shifting sky   tyres
Slide move crunch snow squelch stop
We creep
Bridge toll taken  we roll on.  Is mesmerising too.




Snow Dance 5

Friday, 21 January 2011 16:46:19

Friday, 21 January 2011 16:46:19
So - the first two sets of four lines begin to shape up:

Tabla’s syllables ripple, tumble patter
Making complex patterns, fingers flutter
Counter-pointing voice sounds, whistles, mutters.
Costumed in punk pyjamas, tatters,

Dancers glide turn bend stretch. Stop. Glide again,
Arms in perfect poise - then cut cut cut the air.
Triangles of hips, hands, chest, head. Eyes stare,
Hold, transfix, flash – go.    ……………………..

I wonder if the patter flutter mutter tatter is a bit much - but I am trying to get something of the sound of the experience here.  Also - with cut cut cut I've tried cut/cut/cut and cut, cut, cut and so on.  In the end I think the simplest is the best.


Snow Dance 4

Wednesday, 19 January 2011 10:59:12

Wednesday, 19 January 2011 10:59:12
Just moving a few phrases up and down, small changes and additions - trying to get a structure to what, I feel, is going to be okay.  I feel the inevitability of yet another sonnet, though. I will have to break myself of that.

The tabla’s syllables ripple… tumble, rumble patter
Making complex patterns  
Counter-pointing voice sounds, whistles, mutters
Costumes fairy like, punk pyjamas, tatters

Dancer’s arms in perfect poise - then cut cut cut the air
Glide turn bend stretch glide – stop.  
Not just legs thighs hips chest head arms – but toes, fingers, eyes
Hold, fix, transport, flash – go. Circle, swing, sway, stop

Driving home the lights red amber go along Clive Sullivan Way
Along the dual carriageway as snow flutters, patters down. Sweeps
Bridge towers eerie in the shifting sky   tyres
Slide move crunch snow squelch stop
We creep
Bridge toll taken  we roll on   



Friday, 14 January 2011 12:01:06

Friday, 14 January 2011 12:01:06
- The rhythms and rhymes and semi-rhymes seem to fall naturally. Strcture beginning to emerge.

The tabla’s syllables ripple… tumble, rumble patter
Making complex patterns
Dancer’s arms in perfect poise - then cut cut cut the air
Costumes fairy like, punk pyjamas, tatters
Glide turn bend stretch glide – stop.  
Not just legs thighs hips chest head arms – but toes, fingers, eyes
Hold, fix, transport, flash – go. Circle, swing, sway, stop

Driving home the lights red amber go along Clive Sullivan Way
Along the dual carriageway as snow flutters, patters down. Sweeps
Bridge towers eerie in the shifting sky   tyres
Slide move crunch snow squelch stop
We creep
Bridge toll taken  we roll on 




Snow Dance 2

Tuesday, 11 January 2011 17:21:24

Tuesday, 11 January 2011 17:21:24
The tabla’s syllables ripple… tumble, rumble patter
 
Dancer’s arms perfectly poised - then cut cut cut the air

Glide turn bend stretch glide – stop.  

Not just legs thighs hips chest head arms – but toes, fingers, eyes

Hold, fix, transport, flash – go.

Driving home the lights red amber go along Clive Sullivan Way
Along the dual carriageway as snow flutters, …. Sweeps
Bridge towers eerie in the shifting sky   tyres

Slide move crunch snow squelch stop
We creep

Bridge toll taken  we roll on  


Snow Dance

Wednesday, 5 January 2011 16:31:01

Wednesday, 5 January 2011 16:31:01

First jottings following a visit to a dance group over the river in Hull. It was a snowy night.

The tabla’s syllables ripple… tumble

Dancer’s arms perfectly poised - then cut cut cut the air

Glide turn bend stretch glide – stop. 

Not just legs thighs hips chest head arms – but toes, fingers, eyes

Hold, fix, wait – go.

Slide move crunch snow squelch stop

 Bridge toll taken  we roll on  



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