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Me and my ghazal - final draft

Wednesday, 8 May 2013 12:24:31

Wednesday, 8 May 2013 12:24:31

Just tidied up the punctuation. Quite pleased with my first attempt at a ghazal. And spring has arrived!  (Away for a few days now - but will gather thoughts and - perhaps - inspiration.)

 

The earth is chilled and sad. Spring is so late in
Making his entrance. Still the soil is waiting.

Is he behind the door, by the orchard wall
Playing hide and seek? Starting out  - then hesitating?

Spring's put out a sign: There's some delay
Sorry for any inconvenience, we're investigating

The causes of the problem; will keep you informed;
But when I call I'm put on hold: so frustrating.

You're in a queue... too right, and spring has not appeared
On stage on cue; he's still deliberating

Just out of sight within the wings, you see a movement,
A shadow and then silence.    Irritating.

So now, just like a hopeful suitor stood up
Once too often, losing faith in dating,

We hardly bother scan the tree for signs of life;
Guess some are still hibernating,

Who can blame them? But what's this?
Sunshine?     I must be hallucinating.



Me and my Ghazal

Friday, 26 April 2013 8:20:34

Friday, 26 April 2013 8:20:34

The earth is chilled and sad. Spring is so late in
Making his entrance. Still the soil is waiting.

Is he behind the door, by the orchard wall
Playing hide and seek? Starting out  - then hesitating?

Spring's put out a sign: There's some delay
Sorry for any inconvenience, we're investigating

The causes of the problem; will keep you informed
But when I call I'm put on hold: so frustrating.

You're in a queue... too right, and spring has not appeared
On stage on cue; he's still deliberating

Just out of sight within the wings, you see a movement,
A shadow and then silence.    Irritating

So now, just like a hopeful suitor stood up
Once too often, losing faith in dating,

- I’ve tried to make the link between losing faith in dating and the following verse by inserting ‘we hardly bother’. It should really be ‘scanning’ but I think I can get away with ‘scan’ as the longer word is, well, too long and makes the whole line sound clumsy.

We hardly bother scan the tree for signs of life;
Guess some are still hibernating,

Who can blame them? But what's this?
Sunshine?     I must be hallucinating.

 



Me and my ghazal

Tuesday, 23 April 2013 12:39:13

Tuesday, 23 April 2013 12:39:13

The last few lines are causing severe problems- in the sense that I can't make my mind up. One of the idiosyncracies of the ghazal is that the author's name appears in some form towards the end. I could ignore that but I have made a gesture towards it in the 'tree for'. That's as far as I'll go or it'll turn into a cryptic crossword clue.


So now, just like a hopeful suitor stood up
Once too often, losing faith in dating

We scan the tree for signs of life
Guess some are still hibernating

Who can blame them? But what's this?

Sunshine? I must be hallucinating.



Me and my ghazal

Friday, 19 April 2013 10:49:56

Friday, 19 April 2013 10:49:56

The earth is chilled and sad. Spring is so late in
Making his entrance.  Still the soil is waiting.

Is he behind the door, by the orchard wall
Playing hide and seek peekaboo? starting out then hesitating?

Spring's put out a sign: There's some delay
Sorry for any inconvenience, we're investigating

The causes of the problem; will keep you informed
But when I call I'm put on hold: so frustrating.

You're in a queue... too right, and spring has not appeared
On stage on cue; he's still deliberating

Just out of sight within the wings, you see a movement
A shadow and then silence.  Irritating

Like the wind that whistles from the East


So now, just like a hopeful suitor stood up
Once too often, losing faith in dating

I'm
 hibernating

I did have recourse to my rhyming dictionary - the Primary school one which I keep to hand for moments like this.  Sometimes it can inspire and other times just remind you of a word - of course: hibernating!  That's the word I need. Don't know how it's going to fit yet, but it will.



Ghazal of my own

Wednesday, 17 April 2013 16:24:03

Wednesday, 17 April 2013 16:24:03

The earth is chilled, sad, impatient for spring is so late
And still he does not appear and still earth waits

Is he behind the door, by the orchard wall
Playing hide and seek peekaboo does he start out then hesitate?

has he stood you up? gone off with another
while you sit by the phone, alone and frustrated?

so would it be better to alter the rhyme slightly to past tense? How would those initial try outs seem?  Or -ing endings?


The earth is chilled, sad, impatient for spring is so late
And still he does not appear and still earth is waiting

Is he behind the door, by the orchard wall
Playing hide and seek peekaboo? starting out then hesitating?

I might adapt the first line -

The earth is chilled and sad. Spring is so late in
Making his entrance.  Still the soil is waiting.

Oh - I think that's much better!   I feel a bit more confident now.



Ghazal

Monday, 15 April 2013 17:01:41

Monday, 15 April 2013 17:01:41

 

Some more notes

In the shadow of the trees, leafless, can just make out spring’s nose, poking out
Spring has put up a notice - delayed - sorry for any inconvenience
Ignore the Due by date on your Spring purchase
There’s a wait on your mind

Spring has an automated message each time I call; your call is important to us. youa re in a queue. please wait to be connected....



Ghazal

Thursday, 11 April 2013 12:33:33

Thursday, 11 April 2013 12:33:33

Having recently written about this form in the workshop I am, of course, tempted to have a go. It's a totally new form to me and looks rather daunting. The second line of all the couplets rhyme - so I have to choose a sound which has plenty of possibilities.

My subject, I think, will be the delayed coming of spring and to begin with, as I find helpful, I'll try to build up a pile of thoughts and images which I can plunder as I progress.

spring waiting behind the door but not entering; spring has gone somewhere else - has found another home, another lover, or - spring a coy lover, or a tease; the earth cold and sleepy awaiting the alarm; or impatient, tapping its pocket watch; spring has missed the train / bus - when will there be another one?

Shall I write from the point of view of the earth, the plants, waiting? Or from an observer's viewpoint - or even from spring's? 



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