The Poetry Place

The Lake

Wednesday, 21 October 2015 16:36:43

Wednesday, 21 October 2015 16:36:43

In the end I had to delete line 3 completely.  The title - a simple one. There's no need for readers to know which lake.

The Lake

The surface gently brushed  
the nap raised
a 1000  dots and dashes
never joined
never torn along the perforations
and communicating no message
we need to understand.
Now the yellow pedaloes
have returned to base
the shouts of children replaced 
by the clink of tent poles
and the sound of mallet on peg;
and in the hush, we hear
the cry of the waterfowl
and notice a quiet squadron of ducks
interrogating the weeds.



Landscape Painting

Thursday, 8 October 2015 9:50:12

Thursday, 8 October 2015 9:50:12

Continuing the final lines, the sounds heard...

Now the yellow pedaloes
have returned to base
the shouts of children replaced 
by the clink of tent poles
and the sound of mallet on peg

and in the hush, we hear

the cry of the waterfowl

and notice a quiet squadron of ducks

interrogating the weeds.

I usually try to cut the number of words but couldn't see how to move logically from the mallet sounds to the waterfowl and then the ducks without a few extra words.  I'm fairly happy with this part and I do like 'interrogating the weeds' because that's what they seem to be doing.



Landscape Painting

Wednesday, 30 September 2015 20:00:48

Wednesday, 30 September 2015 20:00:48

I'm not happy with line 3. 


The surface is gently brushed  
the nap raised
just perceptibly sensitive to the touch 
a 1000  dots and dashes
never joined
never torn along the perforations
and communicating no message
we need to understand.
Now the yellow pedaloes
have returned to base
the shouts of children replaced 
by the clink of tent poles
and the sound of mallet on peg.


In line 3 want to get that feeling of tactility but very light. Sometimes you try very hard and just cannot find the word or image which does it. For the meantime I'll leave it.

There's also, from my notes, 'The cry of the waterfowl – species unknown – and
a quiet squadron of ducks interrogating the weeds.'

 
  



Landscape Painting

Tuesday, 29 September 2015 20:57:49

Tuesday, 29 September 2015 20:57:49

Some changes:

The surface is gently brushed  (is rather than so)
the nap raised
just perceptibly sensitive to the touch (hardly yet replaced by just)
a 1000  dots and dashes
never joined
never torn along the perforations
and indicating no message
Perhaps spelling out no message / communicating no message?
…and adding: ‘no message we need to understand’?

 



Landscape Painting

Wednesday, 23 September 2015 17:37:12

Wednesday, 23 September 2015 17:37:12

Further lines from my notes:

Now the yellow pedaloes
have returned to base
the shouts of children replaced 
by the clink of tent poles
and the sound of mallet on peg.



Landscape Painting

Thursday, 17 September 2015 16:25:01

Thursday, 17 September 2015 16:25:01

While on holiday I did a lot of sitting and looking. I made some notes on the scene I was observing and started to try and create some feeling of the place. This is my beginning:

The surface so gently brushed

the nap raised

hardly yet perceptibly sensitive to the touch

a 1000  dots and dashes

never joined

never torn along the perforations

and indicating no message



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