The Poetry Place

Friday, 18 April 2008 10:07:37

Friday, 18 April 2008 10:07:37

Now, with some heavy pruning, we're on the way to something better:

Australia, Green Island (off Cairns), Great Barrier Reef.
Mum, Dad, sister (Alice) & tourists enjoying hot weather!
Boiling, refreshing breeze!
Stripy bikini!
Snorkels & flippers (!), underwater camera.
Swimming, lying flat across water. Coral, sand, beautiful blue water, other
snorkellers, colourful fish, reef shark!
Bubbling sound- Alice- 'there's a shark!'
Reef shark- scared, terrified of sharks, amazed, excited telling everyone I'd
been so close to shark!
Shark!

If it were my piece of writing, I'd arrange it like this, with even more cuts:

Green Island, Great Barrier Reef.
Mum, Dad, sister Alice & tourists
enjoying hot weather
Boiling, refreshing breeze
Stripy bikini
Snorkels & flippers, underwater camera
Swimming, lying flat across water.
Coral, sand, beautiful blue water,
other snorkellers, colourful fish ......reef shark!

Bubbling sound -
Alice - 'There's a shark!'
 terrified, amazed, excited
telling everyone I'd been so close to...
a shark!



More from Cottingham...

Thursday, 17 April 2008 11:21:11

Thursday, 17 April 2008 11:21:11

Here's another memory recollected in tranquility...

Australia, Green Island, Great Barrier Reef.
My family, Mum, Dad, and sister, Alice. Also, lots of other tourists enjoying the hot weather!
Boiling hot, slightly breezy but really hot! Good weather for a sun tan..
Bright pink, green and brown stripy bikini!!
Wearing snorkels and flippers, holding an underwater camera.
Swimming, lieing flat across the water. Bits of coral, snad, water, other snorkels, fish, and a reef shark and the jetty with a big boat at the end!
Underwater bubbling sound of someone talking - my sister.
Nothing said.
I saw the reef shark so I was quite scared because I'm terrified of sharks, but I was also amazed and excited at being able to tell everyone I'd seen a shark !
Shark!



Wednesday, 16 April 2008 15:05:57

Wednesday, 16 April 2008 15:05:57

Now we start to cut away any words which we can afford to lose. The result is fresher and has a lot more impact:

Welsh Institute of Sport.
Coach, judoing friends
Warm, small
Judo suit
My judo medal
shoulders back, head held high
my coach with a huge grin on his face and my friends
people cheering and other shouting in protest.
Matel
Overwhelmed, proud.
Champion.



Not my words

Tuesday, 15 April 2008 15:57:33

Tuesday, 15 April 2008 15:57:33

I thought it was time for a change. So this week, here are a couple of examples taken from some students I was working with over in Cottingham.  This is the first draft of a recollection, written using my blind writing technique. I haven't said anything about writing a poem...

I was in the welsh institute of sport in a sports hall.
I am with my coach and a few of my judoing friends
This was at the end of the day so it was warm but emptying out it felt rather small.
I was wearing my judo suit.
I was carrying my judo belts and about to collect my medal which I won.
My shoulders are back and head held high as I am feeling good.
I could see my coach with a huge grin on his face and my friends with their hands out ready to congratulate me.
I could hear people cheering and other shouting in protest.
mate.
I was overwhelmed and felt really round of myself as it was the first major competition I won.
Champion.

As usual, it's my feeling that this would be a lot more effective with fewer words. We'll come on to that tomorrow.



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