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Tuesday, 7 October 2008 13:47:19

Tuesday, 7 October 2008 13:47:19

In the end, all I've done is mess around with the appearance and add another 'wait' at the end.  Is this just self-indulgent?  Well, maybe writing poetry can be a bit self-indulgent sometimes. It's not fattening and it doesn't use up the world's resources...


in the woods
   on the edge of fields
by the river
   even a picnic spot
be still and silent...

wait

things occur
   birds approach, stop, sing, chase
leaves
            drop,

a squirrel, small black, inquisitive
noses about,

be still

be quiet

listen

wait



Monday, 6 October 2008 17:05:20

Monday, 6 October 2008 17:05:20

The first thing is to cut away where possible:

in the woods
on the edge of fields
by the river
even a picnic spot
be still and silent...
wait
things occur
birds approach, stop, sing, chase
leaves drop,
a squirrel, small black, inquisitive
noses about,
be still
be quiet
listen

Something I worry about is - structure. Does this have any kind of structure or is it just a dribble of words onto the page.  Some writers are happy with the dribble or the splurge, but it doesn't satisfy me...



France 5

Friday, 3 October 2008 10:59:51

Friday, 3 October 2008 10:59:51

Some more jottings.

in the woods on the edge of fields
by the river
if you are still and silent
things occur
even in a picnic spot
birds approach, stop, sing, chase
leaves drop, a noise in the ivy encrusted trunk
wait. a squirrel, small black, inquisitive
noses about, gets on with its business
be still be quiet
listen

I don't know if I can make anything of these or not.



France 4

Wednesday, 1 October 2008 9:20:24

Wednesday, 1 October 2008 9:20:24

I remember how after a shower of rain, when the wind blew there would be a new scattering of water as the leaves were stirred.

a waft of wind / a gust of wind - through trees creates - a second shower

This time the last line has fallen perfectly. Line 2 needs work: what kind of trees? I want them to be 2 syllable trees: 'through the something trees creates'  So what takes priority? Truth (of a prosaic kind)? The 'feel' of the completed poem? The arbitrary structure of a haiku? I wasn't even sure what kind of trees they were...

a gust of wind
through the poplar trees creates
a second shower

I don't think that these were poplar trees - but they could have been; there are lots in that area!



France 3

Tuesday, 30 September 2008 16:00:22

Tuesday, 30 September 2008 16:00:22

There seem at least ten possibilities but here are two:

in summer rain
sunflowers regard their feet
shamefaced teenagers

or reversing the order

though not to blame
sunflowers stare at their feet:
late summer rain

As soon as it's down on 'paper' there are other ways of doing it that seem equally good:

like errant children
sunflowers stare at their toes
late summer rain

One can keep on endlessly perhaps. So I'll stop that image and move onto another.



France 2

Monday, 29 September 2008 11:32:27

Monday, 29 September 2008 11:32:27

I'm thinking about the attitude of the sunflowers now. Various phrases come to mind (or to the minds of other people I've asked)....  these include:

like sheepish penitents    shamefaced teenagers   as if rebuked  

I rather like the last of these. So:

as if rebuked
sunflowers look at their feet
late summer rain

The central line by happy coincidence, has 7 syllables. The third line can easily, if I wish, become 5 - e.g. late summer showers; late summer rainfall. But what of line 1?  Do I use like shamefaced teenagers?

 



After the break: France

Thursday, 25 September 2008 17:54:56

Thursday, 25 September 2008 17:54:56

As well as a brief trip to Donegal, we spent some time in France and so I would like to continue the theme of writing from notes accumulated from travel. 

I shall start with an observation which becomes a statement:

The sunflowers are looking at their feet. 

Immediately I'm aware of options: to bring out the posture of the sunflowers, I might insert 'ashamed' after the noun; looking might be staring; are looking / are staring might be look/looked/were looking/stare/stared/were staring and other options also occur for ashamed: as if ashamed makes it more obvious.  Rebuked, tired and sad are other possibilities.

Where or why is important, too. A reason for their demeanour - it was / had been raining.  Are we on the way to a haiku here?



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