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I Remember Retford

Thursday, 4 March 2010 14:10:03

Thursday, 4 March 2010 14:10:03
So the final (for the moment) version looks like this:

Yes I remember Retford

More than the name

Because one late afternoon

Of mist the express train

Left me there. A few people

Came and went, someone swore

And all I saw was that

The one coach train was late

And dry grass, bare trees, concrete

And slow encroaching fog

But even there

I heard a blackbird sing;

It cheered the cold wait

On low level platform four

And in response, one bird more.


Should the last lines be ordered diferently? 


But even there

On low level platform four

I heard a blackbird sing;

It cheered the cold wait

And in response, one bird more.


should there be an extra syllable - 'long cold wait'?


So it probably isn't finished after all. But as far as this blog is concerned it'll go into the Archive from which no poem returns.



.






I remember Retford

Wednesday, 24 February 2010 17:34:18

Wednesday, 24 February 2010 17:34:18
The last lines were just a quick jotting.

But even there

I Heard a blackbird sing

Chip chip chip

And a reply from platform three

It cheered the cold wait

On low level platform 4.


I don't like the chip chip chip even though it represents the bird's song - it sounds and looks too much like chips on a plate. 


So I delete lines 3 and 4 -


But even there

I Heard a blackbird sing

>>

It cheered the cold wait

On low level platform 4

- and replace with something which is more accurate and gives a rhyme to finish the poem, to round it off.

And in response, one bird more.








I remember Retford

Sunday, 21 February 2010 15:52:44

Sunday, 21 February 2010 15:52:44
I remember matlock Green too - becase one evening I broke down there, unwontedly, for sure.  But enough of that.

Looking at the first lines, I've made a few changes. Having made them I went back to see why.  Surely the wrong way round?  But somethimes that's what you do - you don't analyse everything as you go along.

Saw has a rhyme with swore and is just a more accurate word. I saw on the display board that it was late. And late is just a more direct word than delayed.

Yes I remember Retford

More than the name

Because one late afternoon

Of mist the express train

Left me there. A few people

Came and went, someone swore

And all I knew saw was that

The one coach train was delayed late

and dry grass, bare trees, concrete

And slow encroaching fog


Concrete was important. Without it, too, the scene seems too rural. It was suburban rather than rural - and very dismal.




I remember Retford

Thursday, 11 February 2010 10:14:39

Thursday, 11 February 2010 10:14:39
Unexpectedly marooned on Retford Station, I couldn't help recalling Edward Thomas's poem 'Adlestrop' and that started a kind of 'poem in the style of...' I jotted down the first thoughts that came to me on the back of a newspaper:

Yes I remember Retford

More than the name

Because one late afternoon

Of mist the express train

Left me there. A few people

Came and went, someone swore

And all I knew was that

The one coach train was delayed

and dry grass, bare trees

And slow encroaching fog

But even there

I Heard a blackbird sing

Chip chip chip

And a reply from platform three

It cheered the cold wait

On low level platform 4.




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