The Poetry Place

Marching on

Monday, 21 March 2011 9:38:52
A week since I looked at this!  A busy one in which work took me from NATE office to Nunsthorpe Primary School (interviewing mythical monsters and performing poetry) and on to the delightful students at Bishop Grossteste College in Lincoln (via Brumby Secondary and a dance version of Cleopatra at Hull New Theatre).  What stimuli!  So I should be in fine fettle to finalise this poem...

Replacing 'rushing' with 'broader' removes the sense of hurry and makes me happier with the other lines. Removed 'the' from school gates and changed a bit of punctuation.

Pupil droplets: in ones and twos
down the streets and lanes,
they gather into threes and fours,
form streamlets
coalescing into brooks
and then into broader burns
as school gates are reached;
pour in and swirl and whirl
and, momentum eddying,
pause  and find their level
in the reservoir of class or hall.

The final lines still need attention.

But this river is nothing compared
to the bursting of the dam
and the torrent which outpours
when the final bell sounds.

I'll try a complete rewrite and see how I feel about it -

This is nothing
in comparison to
the breaching of the dam
and the torrent which outpours
when the final bell is heard

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