The Poetry Place

March of the pupils

Thursday, 24 March 2011 11:43:54
I've tried out different ways of doing this and come back to 'compared' rather than 'in comparison'.  And begin with a BUT

BUT this is nothing compared to
the breaching of the dam
and the torrent which outpours
when the final bell is heard!

How do we make these choices?  To say 'it feels right' isn't much help to a pupil.  It is, though, a mixture of sense (I want it to convey what I mean!) and sound (does it flow, is it rhythmically satisfying - or is it awkward, jarring?)

Although the lines above don't rhyme, I do like the echo of 'compared' in the final word. That's luck - but the ear hears it and the conscious mind then says, nice one, that works! 

So I'll stop messing about with the poem and paste the full version here:

Pupil droplets: in ones and twos
down the streets and lanes,
they gather into threes and fours,
form streamlets
coalescing into brooks
and then into broader burns
as school gates are reached;
pour in and swirl and whirl
and, momentum eddying,
pause  and find their level
in the reservoir of class or hall.
BUT this is nothing compared to
the breaching of the dam
and the torrent which outpours
when the final bell is heard!

I'm tempted to add 'boys and girls'  to line 4, though....



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