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From Notes to Poems 4

Friday, 16 May 2008 12:03:58

Time to get to grips with these lily-lamp-plant-sculpture-fountain things.

What lily-lamps are these, bowing as we pass and making watery obeisance?
What hypnotic music something something something
Amid the willow, oak and acer trees?

It has the rhythm I want and if I want the rhyme ABBA I could force 'these' to the end of a line somehow. But I think I'll be satisfied with 'we' as the rhyme for trees which luckily fits the line length too. I like run on lines which almost hide the rhyme so I'm happy with:

What lily-lamps are these, bowing as we
Pass and making watery obeisance?
What hypnotic music something something something
Amid the willow, oak and acer trees?

It's important to me that these were the trees we saw. It may not matter to the reader - but I think that a sense of actuality, of real recording and observation adds something to writing, whether it's poetry or prose, fiction or non-fiction.



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