The Poetry Place

Autumn 6

Monday, 27 October 2008 16:18:51

I moved some lines and altered 'the autumn flowers' to 'some'.

The swallows and the swifts have gone
But here and there a bee, a wasp drones on
The pond is empty of its frogs
And while some autumn flowers bloom
The last two sweet peas of summer struggle on

Shall I remove 'two'?  It makes the line scan more easily but s less detailed. I decide it doesn't matter: no one will care if there are one two three or seven last sweet peas.

The swallows and the swifts have gone
But here and there a bee, a wasp drones on
The pond is empty of its frogs
And while some autumn flowers bloom
The last sweet peas of summer struggle on

I wonder about the repetition of 'on'.  And how to begin.  I'll try

So as the days now shorten
and the wind picks up we notice that - no, realise is better -
The swallows and the swifts (etc)

and I see that I am slipping naturally - or am tempted into the iambic de-dah rhythm. I like it but does it suit the poem?

I like the image of the trees shaking themselves like dogs, the raindrops showering off them. Should the trees be more specific?   What were they?  Beech, I think. 

The beech trees shake themselves like dogs
or
The beeches shake themselves like dogs

Leave it. The wind chime's lost its musicality. Oh dear. Too clumsy. Out of tune, maybe?



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